Shuffle vs. Control

Right before I went for my run tonight I added a new song to my little IPOD shuffle. I do the same run, or a variation of it, almost every time I go out (twice a month). It's great. I head down hill, hit the park, circle a beautiful fountain, and climb back to my house. I love the run. And I was so excited about this new song.

A perfect night. A perfect run. And a new song. This is going to be incredible.

And then it happened. As I was walking down the stairs, I was cycling through the songs on my IPOD to hear the song, and I did it.

Shuffle.

For those of you who don't know, shuffle is the option that creates a random play list, the machine takes control, you get what you get.

As soon as I hit play I was anxious. I mean, what if I don't get my song?

This got me thinking. I was driving in a car last week with a friend. I was spilling my guts about how my mom has Lymphoma. She's battled it once before. And she beat the hell out of it.

But then it came back.

And this time it's getting a little scary. I was telling my friend how I want my mom to be better. I want her to smile. to laugh. to be beautiful. Because she is.

And I asked the Lord to do that.

To heal her.

And then I told my friend about how I sat at my kitchen table the other night and wept. I wept because I didn't think the Lord was at the table with me. I mean, I was there. All of me. My tears, my frustration, my desires, my frustration. But I didn't know if he was there, and if he was, I didn't know if he really wanted to know what I wanted.

I told my friend I didn't know how I was supposed to relate to this man anymore. Can I ask for things? Can I tell him my heart? Does he want us to ask for healing, for change, hope, love? I told my friend I was confused. Why did Jesus speak with such provocative language?

Ask. Seek. Knock.

If he doesn't show up when we are the most raw?

My friend looked at me. He was at a loss for words. But then he said this before we sat in silence.

What you really want...is control.

I did/do want control. I want this life, and the people's lives around me to play out as I see appropriate, fair, and life giving. I want the things that cause me pain, that cause my family pain, my friends pain...to go away. Is this so much to ask?

Which takes me back to the IPOD. I begin the run. I hit play and my favorite song on the list comes on, it wasn't the new song.

And this shuffle, it just kept playing the music that spoke to my heart. I ran through the park tonight. And i wept. It was beautiful. My heart was singing.

And then I turned home, up the big hill, past Broadway Coffee, and around the Catholic church. And I began to notice my song hadn't come on yet. I had worked pretty hard to get this song on the list, why hadn't it turned up?

I thought: Be patient. This shuffle has been incredible.

But I wanted to hear the song. So I did it.

I hit next. And then again. And again. And i took control.

As I was cycling through the songs, I passed over a number of tunes that seemed to fit the evening perfectly, but I was on a mission to get what i wanted. Finally after every song had cycled through, it began.

And it wasn't what I was hoping for. It just wasn't the song that I needed this night.

It just made me wonder - What if I let the shuffle play out? What if I gave up control? What if my picture of what I need, what my mom needs is too small?

What if the Lord was helping me understand how much I love my mom, and what if he was really helping me understand how much his heart is in this thing?

I haven't figured this one out...but I'm willing to let go. I think. As long as You take me.

benjamin